Two doors down from the girl next door.

The wait is over.

2009-04-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT FOR ADVENTURELAND. <3
every single one of you have no idea how long my existence has been pining, sweat-blood-tears waiting for this.

April 3rd, 2009
find me at any damn theater.

Ennui.

2009-03-25T19:30:00.001-07:00

I've probably been the happiest these recent weeks.

Unfortunately, whenever something really good happens to me there is always something tragic and disastrous coming right after it. Just waiting to creep up AND FUCK ME OVER AND UP.

Even so, I will not accept defeat.
Come what fucking may.
I'm more, and then some.

Drop everything and immerse yourself in Meet Joe Black.

2009-03-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

'Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.'

A fucking men.

Repetition.

2009-03-17T18:53:00.001-07:00

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Word up, Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Guarded.

2009-03-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

Heavily. but secretly inside, I'm dying to let it down.
Maybe not just yet. Sigh.

Bitch, you tainted.

2009-03-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

When the situation is tainted, love is always free.
Love is always free, love is always free.

Dream believer.

2009-03-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

Dreams suck the life out of me.
All the more forever determined to chase the shit out of them.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
Got that right, Lincoln. Sometimes it ain't about the destination, but about the journey towards it.

This sure as hell ain't it for me.

Pray Unceasingly.

2009-02-25T21:15:00.000-08:00

"Crying
Screaming
Raging

are all prayers."

Oh word? I've been crying, screaming, and raging unceasingly.
Would ya look at that, ain't that some shit?

Sanity.

2009-02-19T22:03:00.000-08:00

I'm completely losing it. It won't be long until I just ultimately collapse and go into some kind of coma. Why the fuck does every new year always fucking start horribly? Seriously. I blame fucking january. I hate that goddamn month so passionately. But of course there are other shits to blame, of course I'll never tell though. Sigh. I just wanna beat the shit out of something or someone. Preferably the latter. And just have an all out Fight Club type shit. I think it'll help me, so much. In fact, I think that's exactly what I need. A good, satisfactory beating the shit out of each other, literally. Hooks, jabs, blows and whatever else. Shit, I wouldn't even mind hot oil water guns. Fuck yea, that'd be the shit.

sigh. ps. say a prayer because I'll finally be getting blood work soon. And no I"m not fucking out about evidence of drug use or some shit. But something even worse..

I seriously can't afford that. Lord, I know I'm all sorts of fucked up but don't give up on me now. Not yet. But not for my sake, oh goodness especially not for my sake.

oh please, CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

2009-02-15T15:01:00.000-08:00

[via word boner]

Hit.

2009-01-18T21:30:00.000-08:00

I rock, but that doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

Ch ch ch changes.

2008-12-27T17:22:00.000-08:00

There's been a whole lot of changes in my life. some good, some bad. of course. Then there's those that need changing. Whatevz the case, I need a whole nother change in my life. A HUGE one, preferably. I don't even think I care if it's gonna be good or bad or the worst. I just need something to get me out of this void I'm drowning in. One change that I've always been PINING for is to move. To get my ass the fuck outta here and finally be able to do something with my life. As much as I fancy New Jersey, I'd fancy even more getting the fuck out of here. Definitely somewhere that's hot or at least not too cold 24/7. Leave everything and start a new.

Anyway. So I'm 18 years old and should probably be doing something with my life before it's too late. Time don't stop for nobody, sure as hell won't stop for me. I've got all these big dreams, big hopes, big things and big aspirations for such a small bitch. I always get inspired by those quotes of following your dreams and on success and getting up just one more time than falling and blah blah blah.. POW. But sadly, the inspiration doesn't last too long, or more accurately, it's not enough to get my ass moving and MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. I'm definitely not gonna get anywhere staying here, loafing, wallowing and moping around. I need a new environment. A MOTHERFUCKING CHANGE like I've been saying.

But fret not kan, don't forget about the most important thing, God's two cents on this whole change and making dreams come true bit of yours. It's not about what you want, it's about what He wants. It's never about what you want. When you make plans, God laughs. Don't be a stupid fuck and start thinking you can do all this without Him in the picture. He is the big picture, the biggest in sheer fact.

So Lord I ask that you just guide me wherever you want me, help me to be accepting of whatever it may be and not be stubborn. You know I've had this dream of mine since God knows when, I mean you know when (hehe thought I'd insert a joke in there.. no?). With the risk of sounding too selfish, I pray that what I want for me is also what You want for me. and vice versa.

Another new year of getting older. I don't like to think about growing up but it's such an inevitable thing. Each day and with each event that happens in my life, gets much closer to me realizing I need to start being on my own more. I'm never gonna learn if I don't get out there and learn by myself. I honestly prefer to be alone. Alone but never lonely. fucking love that. Anyway with this whole bit of growing up and responsibilities and dreams and changes and moving and making shit happen, I wanna have it all and be on top of the motherfucking world. And then lose it all at rock bottom and tell great stories.

Quod me nutrit me destruit.
And in ruining my life, I'll be saving it. Ain't life grande.

"Easiest thing to say. Hardest thing to follow." - KB

2008-12-13T16:24:00.000-08:00

Your will be done.

So I got accepted into my number one school. I bawled and bawled. Happy and grateful and thankful. Maybe this is Your will for me to go there since I got accepted. Then again, now the problem isn't about getting in or not anymore, it's about that stupid thing called money. I don't even know why I even considered this school because it's fucking expensive and my family is not rich, whatsoever. Money costs too damn much. We'll see what happens. Please pray for me.

For now I'm just happy I got in.
But it's still and forever will be, Your will and not mine.

Just keep it real. Nothing more, nothing less.

2008-11-22T22:15:00.000-08:00

Your will be done.

Note2self:

2008-11-08T02:55:00.001-08:00

Stupid fuck, fix yourself. Noone's gonna do it for you.

Geolocate this post

Posted with LifeCast

Geek Squad.

2008-11-02T01:18:00.001-07:00

Just my luck. Had another stupid problem with technology bailing out on me when I need it the most. =T Hopefully I get my shit back and whatnot. Anywaaaaay, yay for an extra hour of sleep!! Even though days are going to be longer now. S'all good.

Posted with LifeCast

My aim was true. Yours however, was not.

2008-10-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

My declaration to spread my wings,
To get what I , for so long, deserve,
To be 'free from the burden of extending my hand to my man's that don't deserve it':

I no longer give a flying fuck about you because frankly, I no longer respect you.

That's really sad. A damn shame. You've no shame. You disregard the appreciation I give you. You confuse shit with chocolate. I gave you love from the heart, unlike the people surrounding you. It's ridiculous how a person goes from being the reason to stay, to being a major part of the reason to leave. Guess that's just how the cookie crumbles. How I crumble. With you I never was able to have my cake and eat it too. Dang.

Never show weakness, tell 'em no secrets.

-kan

so hold tight, hold tight. baby, hold tight.

2008-10-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

yellow everyone!
i've been listening to a lot of old school rock lately, and i am lovin' it, every bits to pieces. yay for music. seriously. thank you, Big Man. i highly recommend, elvis costello. that's some shit right there. it's almost 3 fucking o'clock in the am and i'm still awake, why? i dunno. but i hate it. i wanna sleep, wanna wanna. life's been alright. i've finally learned to let go of your sorry ass. i'm learning to spread my wings and shit. doing me, and not you. it's greaaat. i was a pretty dumb fuck for not having realized this sooner. but better now then never.

but i seriously need to work on my spiritual life.

-kan

and i know i can't have it all, but i'll settle for a kiss.

2008-09-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

i am taking myself places.
and i am kissing all of you goodbye.

recap, shall we?

oh maaan. summer 08 was a SACK OF SHIT except for my wonderful vacation to the homeland. but somewhere 'tween all that glory of a mess, i found myself. i know who i am and i accept that. well, for the most part. these past years have given me challenges that were way over my maturity level. way over. and somehow i got through them. well again, for the most part. thank you Lord for the strength. everyday i ask for strength. everyday. me, myself, and i. found. and it's great. i feel like i have this huge boulder of buildings off my back, finally. with some pebbles left. but, i'll take what i can get. now, going back to the me, myself and i part. yupp. i know it sounds selfish but i think i'm better off. i'm probably just saying that but shit happens and a huge sack of shit happened to me. still in the process of getting over it, and getting healed. if ever i do. maybe i never will be healed but that doesn't mean i can't fucking live. when people ask me the how are yous and what's ups, i'm not afraid to say i'm doing alright anymore. every answer just used to be, i'm alive or could be better. OBVIOUSLY, kan. i think i deserve a pat on the back for myself. let me have my moment of selfishness, you and i both know we know a hand full of bitch asses who are over the top selfish and sometimes don't even know. tsk tsk tsk. oh well, i'm slowly learnig to stop wasting my time on people/things like that. i don't trust nobody. never again. can you see how it goes with the whole me, myself and i? kcool. lips sealed, heart halfway shut. what you see is what i choose to let you see. what you hear is what i choose to let you hear. and what i give is what i choose to give you. let's face it, it's a bitch eat bitch world and no one's getting out alive. of course i had to learn that the hard way(s). i know i changed a lot. I KNOW. not you, or you, or that person behind you. don't matter how long you've known me or how much you think you know about me. i know i changed a lot. and can't nobody ever take that away from me. because in a way, i be lovin' this change. really. i'm actually thankful for it. being real is much more thrilling than sugar coating. i am now on bitch overdrive. but i still have a heart. or at least what's left of it, what's left of what you took, what you broke, what you destroyed, and what you stabbed. but it doesn't matter the quantity but the quality of a heart. i know the quality of my heart is still tip top even though it's tainted from all that shit. but what heart isn't tainted? i know this one person who got it bad, that person don't even know their worth and the seriously stupid shit that person does. oh well. it's whatever and i don't give a care. anymore. i'm letting a lot of things go so i can be free. 'i'm gonna smile because i deserve to.'

senior year has come. that's what she said. and it's been a blasty blast so far. i love my schedule and i'm more focused than ever because i need to be more focused than ever. in addition to praying everyday for strength, i'm praying for focus. not just on my school but everything. i know i want to enjoy my senior year and savor the moments, but i also wouldn't mind if June 19, 2009 is already tomorrow. each day is another day closer to me getting out of here. crossed fingers, crossed everything. third thing to add to praying for strength and focus would be.. praying that everything pulls through. but i know to leave it in Your hands Lord and everything will fall into place. thank you. i hate new jersey. or strongly dislike it. i really can't wait to get out of here. start somewhere else and leave all my baggage behind. leave that bag lady image i've become since 1,2, 3 years ago. keyword, leave. leavin' on that g5, g5. december 2009/january 2010 to be exact. killer queen with a master plan. pray that this is what God wants for me. because it certainly has been what i've wanted for quite a while. to just get the fuck outta here, yadaddaameaan.

but. i am thankful for everything. for every problem and every challenge. for everyone single one of you. and i'm thankful to you, Lord God.

and even though i am thankful, that doesn't mean my head didn't get fucked up as a result. because oh how, it did and it is. in a way i gave up, but it's definitely like me to keep chasing pavements. i plan on chasing, just not the jersey pavements anymore.

-kan

Girl don't know her worth.

2008-08-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

Love from one side hurts.

2008-08-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

i'm wandering around with a half pack of cigarettes,
searching for the change i've lost somehow.

I am done.
this isn't goodnight, this is Goodbye.

to you.

It only gets harder the more that you know.

2008-07-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

yup. it is harder, so much harder.

Empty apartment.mp3

Be my escape.mp3

i always thought we could survive anything.

belief.

2008-07-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

no really.

i'm really fucked up in the head.

nowadays i'm not pretty sure anymore.

I got pain overload.

2008-05-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

a lot of things in a nutshell.

It's a shame cause I kinda like myself the way I am
yea, that part. not that.

i'm just like you, i gotta fight to stay strong.

you don't wanna know bout the days that go.

shine. estelle.

i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is

2008-05-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

giving a high five.
flicking a cigarette.
giving the peace sign.

-- It's a shame cause I kinda like myself the way I am
yeaa, that part. not that.

but.. .at the end of the day

2008-04-25T03:11:00.000-07:00

are you happy ? content at least ?

i would have to say no. at least most nights. here i am @ 0230ish in the morning with the realization that i am my worst at the end of the day. the absolute worst. this is because i'm drowned in what i fear the most, loneliness. aren't we all ? unfortunately, like many of us, causing me to think. a whole schema of nonsense shit just overwhelm my entire existence. problems of the past. unrequited loves. losses. hurts. disasters. tragedies. annoyances. negligences. inconsiderations. heartaches. and all of that disgusting stuff. i realize i'm not happy. that at the end of each day i've been living, i'm not even to the least content. which sucks a bunch of ass because i for one very much so believe that being happy at the end of the day.. . well isn't that just more than enough to get by ? isn't that just an unbelievable blessing to have ?

there's always been this on going rhythm in my life. the rhythm of loss. especially people. but people always leave. always. after all, life is a song. and i guess those who i've lost and will lose, are just afraid to sing along with me until the very ending.

i need to be tougher. rougher. harder. better. faster. stronger. smarter. all of the above. i suppose i do depend on people for my happiness too much. i need to stop.

this pain i feel.
it won't go away.

pain, not passion.

2008-04-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

more times than not, i don't know why i do the things i do. i'm good, i'm bad. i'm horrible, i'm wonderful. i'm life, i'm death. i'm peace, i'm war. who the hell really knows. i like to think i'm a good person overall. i like to think we all are. but it sure has hell can be the loneliest shit ever. i'm sure this isn't the first time any of us has heard this but, being surrounded by dozens, millions even, can be so lonely. i for one, am a victim. surprised? i don't give a care.

sacrifice.
i don't mind diving into a sea of that for someone. especially for a loved one. i don't mind fighting for everyone. for them. for you. but i never thought loneliness would accompany me along with it. it's funny really. the one thing i'm scared shitless of, partners up with me. oddly enough, on my swim into the sea of sacrifice. to boast would be a bitch, and at times i am. but i've been brought up damn well enough to refuse. and i know i'm not the only one diving into that sea. but man, it sure would be nice if someone would dive into that sea for me. sacrifice for me. i know. i'm asking for too much aren't i. so i'll stop right here. oh and let's not be dicks and patronize me that i have my family to sacrifice for me. i'm not completely ignorant to not know that. damn, listen to what i'm not saying for once.

humility.
the way i've been brought up, without that, what's the point. in anything. humble yourself kan. no matter what. constant words and reminders from mother. i don't always remember them, but i sure as hell won't be forgetting them, ever. a treasure this idea is. a seldom one to that. we all know that right.

loyalty.
ah, my favorite. with sacrifice comes humility comes loyalty. it's like a chain that can be put in any order and would still make sense. with humility comes loyalty comes sacrifice. loyalty comes sacrifice comes humility. you get my point. all very rare nowadays. lacking. and in some, nonexistent.

i'm not perfect. i wake up to that every damn day. but i'd gladly choose to do good than evil. to be selfless then selfish. to heal than to destroy. to see passion than pain. to see light not dark. and in choosing to do so, sometimes it feels i've unknowingly chosen loneliness than company. it's funny really. laugh. but of course, let's not forget the biggest unbeatable sacrifice of all, John 3:16.

and so to both of you, i say this.

kan, you selfish piece of shit, give up.
and kan, you selfless piece of shit, fight.

after all, as mother says,
" humility kan. always be humble. because if you're humble, you'll never be hurt. "

MOMENTOFBLISS.

2008-04-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

that's what that one moment was for me last night. my heart was half clenched as a fist would, half open as the sky. the whole night.

an accidental moment of bliss. at least only for me. i turned around to express laughter, at that same moment, you did as well. and again at that moment, i saw all the good times we've ever had pass right by me and went straight to my heart. the laughs, the jokes, the smiles, all the cherished good/bad times. all because of that one short accidental glimpse at each other. a glimpse that reminded me of something we used to have. something amazing. i miss you and you don't even know how much. actually, you don't even believe how much.

i just want you back in my life.
nothing more, nothing less.

READYsetGO.

2008-04-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

i just wanna move already.
get out of here already.

take the ones i need and just go.
no hellos or goodbyes. no see you laters.
just go and gone.

you with me ?

swearsies.

2008-03-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

nothing ever really got to me
i could always turn the other cheek
could it be those days are gone
could've sworn i was strong.

i don't really know where my life is going. i mean, who the hell does right ? right. i find myself just going through my days empty. at times i'm filled with content and what may be happiness. then there are those other times where i'm completely depressed and suicidal. i probably do have this bipolar disease thing or maybe it's just life. yea, that's probably it. or a nice mixture of both. looking back on my life, i never thought i'd find myself going through so much. obviously alot has happened since i was expelled from my ma's uterus, but alot has happened. more than my maturity level can handle. but here i am. the way i am. oh i've changed. i will stress that. having to handle things way beyond my maturity level has definitely changed me. i know my senses of right and wrong. and i, like everyone else, have my hell. sometimes i wish my heart could just speak for me because i don't really know the exact words to describe the way i feel. i'd like to think of myself as a good person. some may or may not agree. damn, i don't even know. growing up wasn't all funsies and sunshine for me. i should have probably turned out to be some kind of criminal or a person so angry and full of rage in the heart with the way i've been treated as a kid. but i didn't. at least for the most part. recently i was told that it's a good thing i didn't turn out disastrous and bitter, but instead i chose good more than bad. happiness over sadness. my ma's always teaching me good morals. she's always telling me to be humble, to always show humility. "when you show humility ta, you will never be hurt." is what she tells me. ta, means love in my dialect. what she said isn't entirely true for me but there's sense in it. i'm all about humility. especially for the people i care about and i try for those i don't even know. i mean, we all have to strive to be like the Lord, right? right. i fight. i don't always win, but i fight. i may try to deny it, but i always fight. unconsciously, secretly, always always. i ask myself why do i always fight. i probably hold the world record of losing. ok maybe not the world, but i've done alot of losing for such a "fighter". even when i don't want to anymore. even when i've just had enough why do i always find myself still fighting? fighting for this, fighting for that, fighting to live, fighting for someone. part of me accepts that i'm a fighter, and part of me just wants to be fought for, even for just once.

so at the risk of sounding selfish for once,
i'd like someone to fight for me.
i'd like someone to choose me.
to listen to what i'm not saying.

..but words can never hurt me ? Questionable.

2008-02-20T13:14:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, February 20, 2008 - 8th period ap psych class.
" Show me one person who looks happier alive than dead. "

CLICK, and then some.

akebr.

2007-11-24T00:24:00.000-08:00

you know what i need to do. i need to go to a chapel. a church. anything of the sort. pray so unbelievably hard. and cry my fcuking life away forever and ever. maybe even add cursing the hell out of who i am and the life i'm leading. i need a slap in the fcuking face. a shoot me and ram me into the wall kind of thing. ha. trust me, it wasn't my intention to break.

if i say it three times, i mean it.

2007-11-16T23:31:00.001-08:00

i should have stayed in Spain.
i should have stayed in Spain.
i should have stayed in Spain.

A heart full of words left unspoken.

2007-11-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

< i wish i could bubble wrap my heart. > just in case i fall and break apart. the world would be a lonely place without the one that puts a smile on your face. this is the last time i give up this heart of mine. for you. for anyone. okay. i'm probably lying on that last one. although i mean it. it just will not happen. i don't know who i am. sometimes. and sometimes i do. but i do know who you want me to be. and i can't even do that. i find joy in doing things for others. in sacrificing for others. sadly. unfortunately. unluckily. the things i try to do always backfires on me. so i'm left with having pleased no one. not even myself. can't get no love without sacrifice. eh. that's questionable. at least in my cases. i will love you. i will care for you. i will miss you. i will know you. probably more than anyone you'll ever meet in your life. but. you won't let me. or. you won't realize it. or. you just simply won't care. you will mean more than the world to me. even if you say you know just how much. you'll never know. because. that's how much the mean of it is. you will hurt me in ways that will break me. hurt me. kill me. destroy me. haunt me. but. i won't mind and i will never let you know. nor . will i hate you. even if i say or do anything of the sort. you'll think no one will ever understand you. but. i will. i just will not ever let you know. why. because. you won't agree. i will cry for you. i will hurt for you. again. probably more than anyone. and more than you'll ever know. i can never think with my heart. but i do anyway. you'll probably know my heart more than i know it myself. i'm strong at being weak. i'm weak at being strong. i will push you to your limit. why. because. i believe you are stronger than you think. i relate to songs and pithy quotes a lot. i'm actually good at surprises. at surprising. i rarely get surprises. but. i shouldn't complain. although it would be wonderful. i'm contingent with the weather. i countlessly contradict myself. my personality hinders my intelligence. i don't know what i'm doing most of the time. i wing a lot. i'm a winger. i don't know how i survive. it boggles my mind. friendship is not given nor sold. it is shared. nor is it a label. but a promise. i will hurt you. i am human. but. i do not mean to. it's just the backfire result of my attempt to sacrifice something for you. backfires are not strangers to me. my dad is. i am a mess. someday all this mess will make me laugh. i laugh with my heart. i feel a lot of chaos around me. i am one. get away from me. it's really best for you. this is the hardest story that i have ever told. this is the way you left me. i'm not pretending. no hope. no love. no glory. no happy ending. i feel as if i'm wasting. and i waste everyday. tears always stream down my face. i think it's called crying. i think it is crying. i will fight. but i probably will not win. in actuality, this is the story of my life. i wish i could bubble wrap a lot of things. but. kan. do not wish. do not start. wishing only wounds the heart. < when i sleep, i dream and it gets me by. />

proverbs 4:23

people change. promises are broken.

2007-10-28T23:25:00.000-07:00

you never cease to crush the hell out of my heart. you continue to haunt me. and you probably will for the rest of my damn life. you disregard the appreciation i give you. and you'll never give me the answer to why. i'll never ask again. but only to myself.

me myself and i. always. always.
and so i have to continue to be quiet.

2007-10-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

fuck the shit i do. so much shit. i hate it. but i do it. believe me, i ask myself all the time why do it. i pray. i ask Him for help. i get angry. so angry at myself. to the point where i even think of hurting myself. i hate it. i hate this. and hate in me. and why can't get myself to fucking stop. fucking stop kan. stop. but no i don't. cos i'm an idiot and there's something wrong. i really think i'm crazy. of course none of you will probably believe me. but i really don't care. i don't care anymore. fuck it. at the moment i just feel like cursing the hell out of my life and the way i am. so fuck everyone and fuck everything. and fuck me. maybe i'll get over this. probably just another one of those things. or maybe it's not. who the hell knows. but for now, this is what it is. i'm giving up for the moment or not. whatever. whatever. and whatever.

2007-10-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

a single salty tear.
so i'm left. short of breathe.
with that heavy feeling in my chest.

Pray for me.