but.. .at the end of the day

are you happy ? content at least ?

i would have to say no. at least most nights. here i am @ 0230ish in the morning with the realization that i am my worst at the end of the day. the absolute worst. this is because i'm drowned in what i fear the most, loneliness. aren't we all ? unfortunately, like many of us, causing me to think. a whole schema of nonsense shit just overwhelm my entire existence. problems of the past. unrequited loves. losses. hurts. disasters. tragedies. annoyances. negligences. inconsiderations. heartaches. and all of that disgusting stuff. i realize i'm not happy. that at the end of each day i've been living, i'm not even to the least content. which sucks a bunch of ass because i for one very much so believe that being happy at the end of the day.. . well isn't that just more than enough to get by ? isn't that just an unbelievable blessing to have ?

there's always been this on going rhythm in my life. the rhythm of loss. especially people. but people always leave. always. after all, life is a song. and i guess those who i've lost and will lose, are just afraid to sing along with me until the very ending.

i need to be tougher. rougher. harder. better. faster. stronger. smarter. all of the above. i suppose i do depend on people for my happiness too much. i need to stop.



this pain i feel.
it won't go away.

pain, not passion.

more times than not, i don't know why i do the things i do. i'm good, i'm bad. i'm horrible, i'm wonderful. i'm life, i'm death. i'm peace, i'm war. who the hell really knows. i like to think i'm a good person overall. i like to think we all are. but it sure has hell can be the loneliest shit ever. i'm sure this isn't the first time any of us has heard this but, being surrounded by dozens, millions even, can be so lonely. i for one, am a victim. surprised? i don't give a care.

sacrifice.
i don't mind diving into a sea of that for someone. especially for a loved one. i don't mind fighting for everyone. for them. for you. but i never thought loneliness would accompany me along with it. it's funny really. the one thing i'm scared shitless of, partners up with me. oddly enough, on my swim into the sea of sacrifice. to boast would be a bitch, and at times i am. but i've been brought up damn well enough to refuse. and i know i'm not the only one diving into that sea. but man, it sure would be nice if someone would dive into that sea for me. sacrifice for me. i know. i'm asking for too much aren't i. so i'll stop right here. oh and let's not be dicks and patronize me that i have my family to sacrifice for me. i'm not completely ignorant to not know that. damn, listen to what i'm not saying for once.


humility.
the way i've been brought up, without that, what's the point. in anything. humble yourself kan. no matter what. constant words and reminders from mother. i don't always remember them, but i sure as hell won't be forgetting them, ever. a treasure this idea is. a seldom one to that. we all know that right.


loyalty.
ah, my favorite. with sacrifice comes humility comes loyalty. it's like a chain that can be put in any order and would still make sense. with humility comes loyalty comes sacrifice. loyalty comes sacrifice comes humility. you get my point. all very rare nowadays. lacking. and in some, nonexistent.


i'm not perfect. i wake up to that every damn day. but i'd gladly choose to do good than evil. to be selfless then selfish. to heal than to destroy. to see passion than pain. to see light not dark. and in choosing to do so, sometimes it feels i've unknowingly chosen loneliness than company. it's funny really. laugh. but of course, let's not forget the biggest unbeatable sacrifice of all, John 3:16.


and so to both of you, i say this.

kan, you selfish piece of shit, give up.
and kan, you selfless piece of shit, fight.

after all, as mother says,
" humility kan. always be humble. because if you're humble, you'll never be hurt. "

MOMENTOFBLISS.

that's what that one moment was for me last night. my heart was half clenched as a fist would, half open as the sky. the whole night.

an accidental moment of bliss. at least only for me. i turned around to express laughter, at that same moment, you did as well. and again at that moment, i saw all the good times we've ever had pass right by me and went straight to my heart. the laughs, the jokes, the smiles, all the cherished good/bad times. all because of that one short accidental glimpse at each other. a glimpse that reminded me of something we used to have. something amazing. i miss you and you don't even know how much. actually, you don't even believe how much.

i just want you back in my life.
nothing more, nothing less.

READYsetGO.

i just wanna move already.
get out of here already.


take the ones i need and just go.
no hellos or goodbyes. no see you laters.
just go and gone.

you with me ?