swearsies.

nothing ever really got to me
i could always turn the other cheek
could it be those days are gone
could've sworn i was strong.

i don't really know where my life is going. i mean, who the hell does right ? right. i find myself just going through my days empty. at times i'm filled with content and what may be happiness. then there are those other times where i'm completely depressed and suicidal. i probably do have this bipolar disease thing or maybe it's just life. yea, that's probably it. or a nice mixture of both. looking back on my life, i never thought i'd find myself going through so much. obviously alot has happened since i was expelled from my ma's uterus, but alot has happened. more than my maturity level can handle. but here i am. the way i am. oh i've changed. i will stress that. having to handle things way beyond my maturity level has definitely changed me. i know my senses of right and wrong. and i, like everyone else, have my hell. sometimes i wish my heart could just speak for me because i don't really know the exact words to describe the way i feel. i'd like to think of myself as a good person. some may or may not agree. damn, i don't even know. growing up wasn't all funsies and sunshine for me. i should have probably turned out to be some kind of criminal or a person so angry and full of rage in the heart with the way i've been treated as a kid. but i didn't. at least for the most part. recently i was told that it's a good thing i didn't turn out disastrous and bitter, but instead i chose good more than bad. happiness over sadness. my ma's always teaching me good morals. she's always telling me to be humble, to always show humility. "when you show humility ta, you will never be hurt." is what she tells me. ta, means love in my dialect. what she said isn't entirely true for me but there's sense in it. i'm all about humility. especially for the people i care about and i try for those i don't even know. i mean, we all have to strive to be like the Lord, right? right. i fight. i don't always win, but i fight. i may try to deny it, but i always fight. unconsciously, secretly, always always. i ask myself why do i always fight. i probably hold the world record of losing. ok maybe not the world, but i've done alot of losing for such a "fighter". even when i don't want to anymore. even when i've just had enough why do i always find myself still fighting? fighting for this, fighting for that, fighting to live, fighting for someone. part of me accepts that i'm a fighter, and part of me just wants to be fought for, even for just once.

so at the risk of sounding selfish for once,
i'd like someone to fight for me.
i'd like someone to choose me.
to listen to what i'm not saying.