but.. .at the end of the day

are you happy ? content at least ?

i would have to say no. at least most nights. here i am @ 0230ish in the morning with the realization that i am my worst at the end of the day. the absolute worst. this is because i'm drowned in what i fear the most, loneliness. aren't we all ? unfortunately, like many of us, causing me to think. a whole schema of nonsense shit just overwhelm my entire existence. problems of the past. unrequited loves. losses. hurts. disasters. tragedies. annoyances. negligences. inconsiderations. heartaches. and all of that disgusting stuff. i realize i'm not happy. that at the end of each day i've been living, i'm not even to the least content. which sucks a bunch of ass because i for one very much so believe that being happy at the end of the day.. . well isn't that just more than enough to get by ? isn't that just an unbelievable blessing to have ?

there's always been this on going rhythm in my life. the rhythm of loss. especially people. but people always leave. always. after all, life is a song. and i guess those who i've lost and will lose, are just afraid to sing along with me until the very ending.

i need to be tougher. rougher. harder. better. faster. stronger. smarter. all of the above. i suppose i do depend on people for my happiness too much. i need to stop.



this pain i feel.
it won't go away.