pain, not passion.

more times than not, i don't know why i do the things i do. i'm good, i'm bad. i'm horrible, i'm wonderful. i'm life, i'm death. i'm peace, i'm war. who the hell really knows. i like to think i'm a good person overall. i like to think we all are. but it sure has hell can be the loneliest shit ever. i'm sure this isn't the first time any of us has heard this but, being surrounded by dozens, millions even, can be so lonely. i for one, am a victim. surprised? i don't give a care.

sacrifice.
i don't mind diving into a sea of that for someone. especially for a loved one. i don't mind fighting for everyone. for them. for you. but i never thought loneliness would accompany me along with it. it's funny really. the one thing i'm scared shitless of, partners up with me. oddly enough, on my swim into the sea of sacrifice. to boast would be a bitch, and at times i am. but i've been brought up damn well enough to refuse. and i know i'm not the only one diving into that sea. but man, it sure would be nice if someone would dive into that sea for me. sacrifice for me. i know. i'm asking for too much aren't i. so i'll stop right here. oh and let's not be dicks and patronize me that i have my family to sacrifice for me. i'm not completely ignorant to not know that. damn, listen to what i'm not saying for once.


humility.
the way i've been brought up, without that, what's the point. in anything. humble yourself kan. no matter what. constant words and reminders from mother. i don't always remember them, but i sure as hell won't be forgetting them, ever. a treasure this idea is. a seldom one to that. we all know that right.


loyalty.
ah, my favorite. with sacrifice comes humility comes loyalty. it's like a chain that can be put in any order and would still make sense. with humility comes loyalty comes sacrifice. loyalty comes sacrifice comes humility. you get my point. all very rare nowadays. lacking. and in some, nonexistent.


i'm not perfect. i wake up to that every damn day. but i'd gladly choose to do good than evil. to be selfless then selfish. to heal than to destroy. to see passion than pain. to see light not dark. and in choosing to do so, sometimes it feels i've unknowingly chosen loneliness than company. it's funny really. laugh. but of course, let's not forget the biggest unbeatable sacrifice of all, John 3:16.


and so to both of you, i say this.

kan, you selfish piece of shit, give up.
and kan, you selfless piece of shit, fight.

after all, as mother says,
" humility kan. always be humble. because if you're humble, you'll never be hurt. "