and i know i can't have it all, but i'll settle for a kiss.

i am taking myself places.
and i am kissing all of you goodbye.

recap, shall we?

oh maaan. summer 08 was a SACK OF SHIT except for my wonderful vacation to the homeland. but somewhere 'tween all that glory of a mess, i found myself. i know who i am and i accept that. well, for the most part. these past years have given me challenges that were way over my maturity level. way over. and somehow i got through them. well again, for the most part. thank you Lord for the strength. everyday i ask for strength. everyday. me, myself, and i. found. and it's great. i feel like i have this huge boulder of buildings off my back, finally. with some pebbles left. but, i'll take what i can get. now, going back to the me, myself and i part. yupp. i know it sounds selfish but i think i'm better off. i'm probably just saying that but shit happens and a huge sack of shit happened to me. still in the process of getting over it, and getting healed. if ever i do. maybe i never will be healed but that doesn't mean i can't fucking live. when people ask me the how are yous and what's ups, i'm not afraid to say i'm doing alright anymore. every answer just used to be, i'm alive or could be better. OBVIOUSLY, kan. i think i deserve a pat on the back for myself. let me have my moment of selfishness, you and i both know we know a hand full of bitch asses who are over the top selfish and sometimes don't even know. tsk tsk tsk. oh well, i'm slowly learnig to stop wasting my time on people/things like that. i don't trust nobody. never again. can you see how it goes with the whole me, myself and i? kcool. lips sealed, heart halfway shut. what you see is what i choose to let you see. what you hear is what i choose to let you hear. and what i give is what i choose to give you. let's face it, it's a bitch eat bitch world and no one's getting out alive. of course i had to learn that the hard way(s). i know i changed a lot. I KNOW. not you, or you, or that person behind you. don't matter how long you've known me or how much you think you know about me. i know i changed a lot. and can't nobody ever take that away from me. because in a way, i be lovin' this change. really. i'm actually thankful for it. being real is much more thrilling than sugar coating. i am now on bitch overdrive. but i still have a heart. or at least what's left of it, what's left of what you took, what you broke, what you destroyed, and what you stabbed. but it doesn't matter the quantity but the quality of a heart. i know the quality of my heart is still tip top even though it's tainted from all that shit. but what heart isn't tainted? i know this one person who got it bad, that person don't even know their worth and the seriously stupid shit that person does. oh well. it's whatever and i don't give a care. anymore. i'm letting a lot of things go so i can be free. 'i'm gonna smile because i deserve to.'

senior year has come. that's what she said. and it's been a blasty blast so far. i love my schedule and i'm more focused than ever because i need to be more focused than ever. in addition to praying everyday for strength, i'm praying for focus. not just on my school but everything. i know i want to enjoy my senior year and savor the moments, but i also wouldn't mind if June 19, 2009 is already tomorrow. each day is another day closer to me getting out of here. crossed fingers, crossed everything. third thing to add to praying for strength and focus would be.. praying that everything pulls through. but i know to leave it in Your hands Lord and everything will fall into place. thank you. i hate new jersey. or strongly dislike it. i really can't wait to get out of here. start somewhere else and leave all my baggage behind. leave that bag lady image i've become since 1,2, 3 years ago. keyword, leave. leavin' on that g5, g5. december 2009/january 2010 to be exact. killer queen with a master plan. pray that this is what God wants for me. because it certainly has been what i've wanted for quite a while. to just get the fuck outta here, yadaddaameaan.

but. i am thankful for everything. for every problem and every challenge. for everyone single one of you. and i'm thankful to you, Lord God.

and even though i am thankful, that doesn't mean my head didn't get fucked up as a result. because oh how, it did and it is. in a way i gave up, but it's definitely like me to keep chasing pavements. i plan on chasing, just not the jersey pavements anymore.

-kan